My only remaining grandmother died Friday night.  She was 91. Her brother who is 93, attended the funeral and made some pretty witty jokes. I found him fascinating. I was also told not to cross him because he'd cuss me if I didn't watch out.  As I sat in the foyer of the funeral home, cousin #1 demonstrated to the crowd the way my great uncle enjoyed flipping people off as he drove his car.  The great uncle seemed perfectly harmless to me, but...yeah, I've heard the stories. The other four cousins were in attendance as well.  As far as I could tell, none of the cousins seemed to be talking to each other and only a few of them were talking to me.  Cousin #5 was there in all her finery; tight black Capris with a red satin blouse and red stilettos.  Cousin #4 stuck by me and we had a fabulous time laughing and talking about why he was just suspended from his job for not sharing the microwave with his coworkers. A familiar looking man walked in the room and I said, "cousin #4, who is that man?" His eyes got wide and he said, "That's my real Daddy".  He then launched into a story that made me laugh until tears came out of my eyes. He has a deep suspicion that his mother had an affair with this man and that he is actually the love child of their indiscretion. In the past he has gone so far as to go up to this man and put his face close to his and say "don't you think we look a lot alike?" The amazing thing to me was that about this time, cousin #4's actual father walked by.  He smiled a cheesy smile, pointed to the man and said, "Hey son, there's your real daddy". Then they laughed really big and cousin #2 walked by and said the same danged thing. I seriously suspect that cousin #2 has a problem with methamphetamines as she is the size of a twig and looks to be 65 years old when in fact she and I are the same age. I'm not even gonna tell you about cousin #3 because that would be airing the family's dirty laundry and my mama would not approve.

At any rate, grandma's on the roof and can't get down. (*see joke below) She's probably eating dinner with Pawpaw and my Dad as we speak. I just wonder if she's putting her fingers in her mouth and whistling that shrill, shrieking whistle for a waiter to attend to her. I wonder if she's being kicked out of a heavenly restaurant just as she was here on earth. I wonder if she's telling the angels they are too fat and need to lose some weight. So many questions.

I will say that one of my grandmother's redeeming qualities is that she birthed my father, and as I told some friends of mine, that pretty much makes her a saint.

Beej

*The Bachelor And His Cat

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."