Sometimes, the stuff that is creeping around a person's heart just lies down on their lungs and nearly smothers them.  I wonder what kind of surgeon it would take to remove lying down stuff off your chest? Or maybe what seems like a physical feeling isn't physical at all.  Maybe, it's all in a person's head and if they wish hard enough and concentrate on it's disappearance long enough, it'll just go away. I think the doctor required in that scenario is a psychiatrist.  I don't have one of those, but I'm pretty sure I could use one if one was offered to me on an "as needed" basis. I'm also thinking that if that was to happen to me, the psychiatrist in question would grow weary of me and more than likely I'd be out on my ear before my problem was solved because I'd probably require quite a large amount of listening time.  In fact, I don't think ANYBODY has that kind of time.

Sometimes I really hate being crazy.

Beej

Long long ago in a land about 120 miles away from here there lived a girl who was me.  This girl was in control of the checkbook.  She balanced the checkbook weekly and always knew how much money was available to the penny.  As time passed, money became tight and the checkbook started making her sick.  The idea of paying the bills and seeing how little was left was terrifying and painful to her insides.  So the girl decided to do the only logical thing.  She got a stage name.  Oh hey!  No she didn't!  I was just pushing your leg. What she did do was to was give the checkbook to Dirty Larry and say "I'm all done with this, you can do it now".  Many years passed and the girl didn't get headaches or stomach pains about bill paying.  She simply spent the money and then told Dirty Larry what she spent. It was good. Just recently, the girl realized that she had no idea what her house payment even was.  It bothered her because she suddenly realized how very little she knew about what was coming in and what was going out anymore....and she really wanted to go to Germany.  So, she told Dirty Larry in January that she was going to start helping out more in this regard and she took a look at the checkbook.  What she found there was the most gruesome, horrible mess you've ever seen. Unreal. Just...crazy.  She knew going in that it might be a little off, but she never in her wildest imagination thought it would look like THAT.  So she decided that maybe it would be best for her to back away slowly.  And she did.  Today, months later, she decided to tackle it again.  It was painful for her but she now has a balance that is, if not correct, at least extremely close and she has also forbidden Dirty Larry to touch it again, to which he replied..."I have NO problem with that".

Beej

So I walked into Walgreen's last night to pick up a random item and found myself looking at the girly stuff on the front wall.  There were very pretty makeup brushes that cost loads of money. I thought about the broken half of a $2 brush I was using to put on my powder presently and decided to reward myself with a new one. Now, what was I rewarding myself for? Couldn't think of anything. I've done nothing to deserve a new $15 makeup brush.  So, I opted for the $6 one which was shorter but just as pretty and fluffy. The shortness will make up for the guilt I would have felt had I bought the other one. 

While I was standing there, something else caught my eye.  False eyelashes.  Now, if you know Beej at all you know I have the most pathetic eyelashes on the face of the earth, except maybe for men who have singed theirs off while barbequing.  So I decided to see what it was all about about and rewarded myself again with some very plain, not too expensive lashes.  (I'm really going to have to do something soon to deserve all this rewarding). This morning I decided to try the suckers out.  I'm here to tell you that those things are of the devil.  I'm obviously not coordinated enough to put them on.  It was comical. I've been defeated by an inch of hand trimmed, 100% sterilized human hair. Humiliating is what it is.

Beej

I have an old dresser mirror that hangs above my couch in the den. I bought it years ago at an antique store in Purvis, Mississippi (read: really old house where people were selling junk for a little bit of nothing). For a long time I have believed that this mirror contained a magic property of the evil persuasion.  Here's what happens: I spray it with Windex and wipe it down so it's pretty and shiny and then I walk away. The next time I think to look at the mirror it is inevitably smudged and smeared. If it were a bathroom mirror I wouldn't be so antsy about it, but this mirror is hanging in a place where if you wanted to touch it, you'd have to really try. The other day I noticed a new smear, this time in the shape of somebody's lips.  I no longer felt the mirror was magic and questioned Litkia about it.  She denied any involvement in touching or smearing said mirror, and vehemently denies standing on the couch, kissing herself in it.

Did I ever mention Litkia is a liar? 

I sure did...right HERE. <--clicky

Beej

Pateriko and I were in the car recently when he told me he just didn't feel so well.  He said his stomach and his head weren't right and he began to emit this low toned, moaning noise that I can only describe as fairly minimal wailing.  He suddenly stopped the noise and looked at me and said "you know what I was doing?"  I said, "It sounded to me like you were trying to get on your mother's last nerve".  He proceeded to tell me that his Aunt CB taught him that when you don't feel well to make some whining noises like that and it makes you feel better.  He also praised the noise making's healing powers.  I have since tried this method myself and find it to be a marvelous substitute for over-the-counter drugs.  That CB is a freakin' genius.

So, all that to say, if you need me today, I'll be in the closet healing my back and the patheticness that I'm feeling this morning.  If my therapy gets too loud, just turn up the music where you are.

Beej

So did I mention Dirty Larry was shiny?  I take it all back.

What is it with boys and contests? Why is it that every stinkin' thing has to turn into a competition, including the trip home from church?  Because Beej is chronically late (they call me the late Mrs. Dirty Larry) our family had two cars at church today.  After church we all took the jeep across the bay and had a nice afternoon and then came back to the parking lot to pick up Dirty Larry's tiny clown car. At this moment the whole atmosphere of the day changed and we were suddenly in some sort of race to get home.  Litkia rode with Dirty Larry and Pateriko rode with me.  Those two evil people kept making loser signs on their foreheads with their fingers and calling my cell phone taunting us and being generally annoying because they were ahead.  So, during the last hateful phone call I asked to speak to Litkia. I said, "do you want some ice cream, because Pateriko and I are gonna stop and pick some up on the way". She said "YES!". Then I told her TOO BAD because she was being mean and she wasn't getting any and neither was her shiny daddy. 

Pateriko and I stopped as promised but we DID get ice cream for everybody because we are good at heart even when tortured by less nice people. On the way back out to the jeep I hit the button to unlock the doors. But the doors locked back immediately.  It was strange.  I kept hitting the button to open the door but was completely unsuccessful and ended up opening the back hatch.  I did NOT push that button. Then, the jeep starting beeping like crazy as if I had pushed the panic button (which I DID NOT). I finally got it all to stop and was able to get in and crank it up.  Suddenly, the hatch opened again all by itself.  I looked at Pateriko and said, "jump out and close that thing". At this point I was a little suspicious of foul play because this was just so strange.  I looked around for the clown car but didn't see it anywhere.  We pulled up to the road to enter traffic again when the hatch opened again. Pateriko had to jump out and close it yet again.  It was at that moment that the clown car pulled up beside us with a laughing Dirty Larry and a hysterical Litkia inside. I have to admit that he called the cell phone twice on the last leg of the trip and I simply chose not to answer it.  He was still smiling as he greeted us at home in the driveway, but I just didn't have the will to smile back.

Shiny my very large and oversized behind! I'm getting my extra key back from him too.

Beej

I was just bitten by a lacewing larva.  It pinched my neck with it's little nasty pinchers and now it is no longer of this world.  Luckily I have suffered no ill effects because I am not an aphid.

Thanks to my favorite website "what's that bug" and to Dirty Larry for the use of his jewelry loupe for identification.

Beej

Listy Listy for those who think it's time for me to update, and have told me so, but have not offered a monetary gift to make it happen.  You get what you pay for.

1.   I went to the Bay Bears game Friday night and it lasted  11 innings. I was there for four hours and I froze nearly to death. You would think that this would upset Beej, but I actually had a great time and even watched some of the game in my in between eating times. I had boiled peanuts, a hamburger, a coke (it's the real thing), sunflower seeds and a funnel cake in that order.  I'm pretty sure they lost the game, but then...fireworks my friends.  Fireworks.  Food and Fireworks...great combo.  Oh yeah, and baseball. Whatever.

2.   Litkia's birthday is tomorrow.  She will be 10.  That is two numbers stuck together and I don't like it at all.  We've been on spring break all week so the decision was made that she should get her big present early so she could play with it while she was out of school.  She wanted her own guitar for guitar hero on the Wii so she wouldn't have to share with Pateriko anymore.  We obliged. I struck a bargain with her and told her that if I gave it to her early that she'd have to remain 9 years old and go back to the 4th grade next year.  She was against it.  I softened and said she could go to 5th grade but the staying 9 part was not negotiable and I wouldn't budge on that.  She agreed to stay 9.  I think she's gonna try to be 10 when I'm not looking. Sneaky little thing.

3.   I just want you all to know that I am in constant pain.  Coco has always felt that I'm a hypochondriac. If I am, I get it honestly from my father (back me up CB). Anyhoo, I was told many moons ago by someone of the medical persuasion, that I had bursitis, which sounds to me like something a very old person might have.  We all know that Beej is very young (shut up) and that if it actually is bursitis, it was probably also inherited from some ancestor who had no respect for the future generations of his family. I find that two Aleve in the morning will make me forget it for most of the day, but I was reading the bottle and words like "stomach bleeding" and "wheezing" and "shock" kept jumping out at me. Dirty Larry bought me a new bottle yesterday.  It was a big one - 100 tablets.  Reckon he's trying to do away with me?  He gets less and less shiny every time I talk about him.

4.   Back when I was in high school, I was forced by the various clubs of which I was a member, to sell chocolate for fund raising. Today, I am remembering those chocolate covered almonds and I'm longing for them. I've never again tasted a better chocolate covered almond than those made by World's Finest Chocolate.  Do you think I'll have to start a club and do fund raising to ever taste them again?

That is all.

Beej

I heart eBay and Paypal.  I don't really enjoy shopping in the real world and when I am forced to go out of necessity, I pretty much just take what's presented and don't do a lot of bargain hunting. Who has time for that? Or stamina?  But, you can't go wrong buying books and CDs from eBay.  You can usually find what you're looking for at every price imaginable including dirt cheap.  This is how I acquired my newest CD, These Streets by Paolo Nutini. I discovered this artist through a friend and I've been intrigued ever since. This morning I was listening to the last song on the album (can I still call it an album?) and it was upbeat, fast moving, great lyrics going on...I was liking it...and then suddenly it happened. The thing that I hate to happen just happened.  La, la, la, la, la.  He started La-la-ing. Why do they DO THAT?  What a freakin' let down.  It's like you move from a fancy dinner with candles and lots of unnecessary silverware to eating in a Disney World restaurant where Mickey and Minnie visit you at your table while you eat. Don't get me wrong, I love Mickey and Minnie, just not in the middle of my fine dining.

Beej

A long time ago in a land far, far away (California) there was a Robot named, um...Robot.  He had a blog at Blogdrive and he and Beej became friends.  Robot doesn't blog anymore for various reasons, but he and Beej are still buds and still talk even without the convenience of a blog.  Today is the Robot's 30th birthday and Beej is wishing him all happiness and peace.  Join me my minions, in celebration of one more year of top notch existence for my metallic friend.

Beej