Listy Listy for those who think it's time for me to update, and have told me so, but have not offered a monetary gift to make it happen.  You get what you pay for.

1.   I went to the Bay Bears game Friday night and it lasted  11 innings. I was there for four hours and I froze nearly to death. You would think that this would upset Beej, but I actually had a great time and even watched some of the game in my in between eating times. I had boiled peanuts, a hamburger, a coke (it's the real thing), sunflower seeds and a funnel cake in that order.  I'm pretty sure they lost the game, but then...fireworks my friends.  Fireworks.  Food and Fireworks...great combo.  Oh yeah, and baseball. Whatever.

2.   Litkia's birthday is tomorrow.  She will be 10.  That is two numbers stuck together and I don't like it at all.  We've been on spring break all week so the decision was made that she should get her big present early so she could play with it while she was out of school.  She wanted her own guitar for guitar hero on the Wii so she wouldn't have to share with Pateriko anymore.  We obliged. I struck a bargain with her and told her that if I gave it to her early that she'd have to remain 9 years old and go back to the 4th grade next year.  She was against it.  I softened and said she could go to 5th grade but the staying 9 part was not negotiable and I wouldn't budge on that.  She agreed to stay 9.  I think she's gonna try to be 10 when I'm not looking. Sneaky little thing.

3.   I just want you all to know that I am in constant pain.  Coco has always felt that I'm a hypochondriac. If I am, I get it honestly from my father (back me up CB). Anyhoo, I was told many moons ago by someone of the medical persuasion, that I had bursitis, which sounds to me like something a very old person might have.  We all know that Beej is very young (shut up) and that if it actually is bursitis, it was probably also inherited from some ancestor who had no respect for the future generations of his family. I find that two Aleve in the morning will make me forget it for most of the day, but I was reading the bottle and words like "stomach bleeding" and "wheezing" and "shock" kept jumping out at me. Dirty Larry bought me a new bottle yesterday.  It was a big one - 100 tablets.  Reckon he's trying to do away with me?  He gets less and less shiny every time I talk about him.

4.   Back when I was in high school, I was forced by the various clubs of which I was a member, to sell chocolate for fund raising. Today, I am remembering those chocolate covered almonds and I'm longing for them. I've never again tasted a better chocolate covered almond than those made by World's Finest Chocolate.  Do you think I'll have to start a club and do fund raising to ever taste them again?

That is all.

Beej

I heart eBay and Paypal.  I don't really enjoy shopping in the real world and when I am forced to go out of necessity, I pretty much just take what's presented and don't do a lot of bargain hunting. Who has time for that? Or stamina?  But, you can't go wrong buying books and CDs from eBay.  You can usually find what you're looking for at every price imaginable including dirt cheap.  This is how I acquired my newest CD, These Streets by Paolo Nutini. I discovered this artist through a friend and I've been intrigued ever since. This morning I was listening to the last song on the album (can I still call it an album?) and it was upbeat, fast moving, great lyrics going on...I was liking it...and then suddenly it happened. The thing that I hate to happen just happened.  La, la, la, la, la.  He started La-la-ing. Why do they DO THAT?  What a freakin' let down.  It's like you move from a fancy dinner with candles and lots of unnecessary silverware to eating in a Disney World restaurant where Mickey and Minnie visit you at your table while you eat. Don't get me wrong, I love Mickey and Minnie, just not in the middle of my fine dining.

Beej

A long time ago in a land far, far away (California) there was a Robot named, um...Robot.  He had a blog at Blogdrive and he and Beej became friends.  Robot doesn't blog anymore for various reasons, but he and Beej are still buds and still talk even without the convenience of a blog.  Today is the Robot's 30th birthday and Beej is wishing him all happiness and peace.  Join me my minions, in celebration of one more year of top notch existence for my metallic friend.

Beej

Somebody tell me what critter made this little mud entrance to his house...my guesses are, vole, mole or wasp.  I seriously want to know because if it's a wasp's nest, I won't be walking that way anymore.

Beej

Today in car line I had the pleasure (?) of seeing an old student of mine. He was in a 9th grade bonehead general science class that I taught back in 1989.  So, let's use our math skills and see that this was 19 years ago. First of all, 19 years ago seems like a very long time and makes me feel very old. Second of all, in defense of my age, I was fresh out of college in 1988 so these kids really weren't all THAT much younger than me. But let me continue the story. This guy was in car line picking up his daughter who is the same age as my daughter.  He braved the car line police and left his vehicle to come over and tap on my window.  He smiled at me through the window showing his lack of any upper teeth. He then launched into a long story about how he had pulled out his high school year book last night and proceeded to tell me how young I looked in the faculty picture section. I was thinking about being offended but then I remembered how he was as a student and realized that he probably meant no harm. I'm not sure he would have enough game to cleverly insult me. Anyhoo, turns out he just wanted to apologize to me for the way he acted in my class.  He said he hates that I quit because I was a good teacher and he wishes that he hadn't been so uncaring and difficult.  At this point I get the feeling that he thinks I quit teaching the next year based solely on his behavior.  The truth is I didn't quit teaching until YEARS later and of all the students I could point at to blame for my headaches, he wasn't one of them. I told him that I remembered him well and I didn't remember him as a troublemaker.  He was less than a model student, but never did he show malice or even disrespect.  He begged to differ, obviously laden with guilt, so I told him once again that everything was fine and he should feel comforted knowing I felt no ill will toward him.  He seemed okay after that and returned to his extremely blue truck.  I looked over at Pateriko who was sitting in the passenger seat during the entire conversation. He was unimpressed except to say that he thought it was pretty gross that the guy spit his tobacco on the parking lot in the middle of a sentence.  I had to agree.  

Beej           

I was sitting in the now infamous car line, waiting not so patiently for the youngest of my offspring to grace me with her presence.  Pateriko whispered to me (as if anybody else could hear him) "Mama, that lady is drinking a beer".

Beej:   What lady?

Pateriko:   That lady in the car right there.  *points to the shiny pearl colored Ford Thunderbird parked beside us*

Beej:   No way.

Pateriko:   You just wait and watch.

Lady:   *Lifts her can of Bud Light to her mouth with her well manicured hand as she mumbles something to herself*

Beej:   No way.

Pateriko:   Isn't that illegal?

Beej:   Yes it is.

Pateriko:   Should we call somebody?

Beej:   I was thinking it would be way fun to call the police.

Long story short, we took her tag number and handed it to the policeman at the exit of the parking lot and told him our short story.  Maybe I was butting in where I had no business, but I really couldn't think about a child riding home in that car.  In hindsight I suppose I could have gotten out of the jeep and in a Gomer Pyle sort of way hollered "CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST!", but I have a feeling it wouldn't have gone so swimmingly for me as it did for him.  This IS lower Alabama. I'd hate to make any of these rednecks too mad at me. Every last one of them is carrying a gun, you know.

Beej    

...then there aren't many virtuous people in this house.

This month at church, the grade school kids are learning about the virtue of patience. To help them grasp this concept, the kids were given an airhead. You know this candy right? Anyway, they were given an airhead with a label attached to it that said...

Do Not Open Until May 31st! 
Patience - "Waiting Until Later For What You Want Now."

Even though Pateriko isn't in grade school, he got an airhead too.  Sadly, by the time we made it to the car, it had been opened and partly consumed.  Litkia held onto hers and made faces at him for being so impatient and waved her unopened candy in his face several times. I suppose that is the job of a little sister.

So today, Litkia brings me her airhead and says "Take this mama".  When I asked her why, she sheepishly showed me where she had opened it and taken the tiniest little nibble off the corner and then closed it back up.  I guess she just couldn't trust herself to keep it in her room any more.

The only person who lives here that might be able to pass this test is Dirty Larry, but if the airhead was green, there'd be no question about it's early ingestion. Green candy is Dirty Larry's vice.

I'll just be honest with you.  Had I been given an airhead and been told that I couldn't eat it until the 31st of May, that would only make me mad and I probably would have eaten it on the spot even if I didn't want it....which is why, as a good parent, I didn't bother getting one myself.  I'm already a pretty sorry example for these little people.  No need in making it even worse.

Beej

My only remaining grandmother died Friday night.  She was 91. Her brother who is 93, attended the funeral and made some pretty witty jokes. I found him fascinating. I was also told not to cross him because he'd cuss me if I didn't watch out.  As I sat in the foyer of the funeral home, cousin #1 demonstrated to the crowd the way my great uncle enjoyed flipping people off as he drove his car.  The great uncle seemed perfectly harmless to me, but...yeah, I've heard the stories. The other four cousins were in attendance as well.  As far as I could tell, none of the cousins seemed to be talking to each other and only a few of them were talking to me.  Cousin #5 was there in all her finery; tight black Capris with a red satin blouse and red stilettos.  Cousin #4 stuck by me and we had a fabulous time laughing and talking about why he was just suspended from his job for not sharing the microwave with his coworkers. A familiar looking man walked in the room and I said, "cousin #4, who is that man?" His eyes got wide and he said, "That's my real Daddy".  He then launched into a story that made me laugh until tears came out of my eyes. He has a deep suspicion that his mother had an affair with this man and that he is actually the love child of their indiscretion. In the past he has gone so far as to go up to this man and put his face close to his and say "don't you think we look a lot alike?" The amazing thing to me was that about this time, cousin #4's actual father walked by.  He smiled a cheesy smile, pointed to the man and said, "Hey son, there's your real daddy". Then they laughed really big and cousin #2 walked by and said the same danged thing. I seriously suspect that cousin #2 has a problem with methamphetamines as she is the size of a twig and looks to be 65 years old when in fact she and I are the same age. I'm not even gonna tell you about cousin #3 because that would be airing the family's dirty laundry and my mama would not approve.

At any rate, grandma's on the roof and can't get down. (*see joke below) She's probably eating dinner with Pawpaw and my Dad as we speak. I just wonder if she's putting her fingers in her mouth and whistling that shrill, shrieking whistle for a waiter to attend to her. I wonder if she's being kicked out of a heavenly restaurant just as she was here on earth. I wonder if she's telling the angels they are too fat and need to lose some weight. So many questions.

I will say that one of my grandmother's redeeming qualities is that she birthed my father, and as I told some friends of mine, that pretty much makes her a saint.

Beej

*The Bachelor And His Cat

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Apparently, there is something in my life that is making me half sad because my left eye is crying. My right eye seems to be perfectly happy...jovial even. But the left eye is weeping for some unknown anguish or torture that it forgot to tell me about. I'm so thankful my right eye can still keep its happy demeanor considering it lives so very close to my tormented left eye. It must be a very strong eye. I'm proud for it to live on my face.

Beej

Tonight a television commercial caught my attention and by the time it was over I was riveted to the screen. 

Trasylol.  Did you have this drug during your open heart surgery? It causes kidney failure and heart failure. Did your loved one die from complications after open heart surgery? Did they take this drug?

Daddy's doctor told us he had a 97% chance of pulling through his surgery perfectly with no problems whatsoever.  I have no idea if he was given this drug, but you watch me find out if he did.

Beej