I was once asked what I would choose to take with me to a deserted island if I could only bring along one item.  My choice? A box of Q-tips.

I come here today to tell you that Johnson's makes an inferior cotton swab. Why would you buy those bendy plastic things when you could have a REAL Q-tip brand cotton swab? Seriously. The Johnson's product is flat out flimsy.  We all know by now that Beej has a serious itchy ear disease. She has to have something to stick in her ear that she can depend on and put some muscle behind. Q-tip is my brand. I'm pretty sure my Daddy had this ear disease and I can remember seeing him stick his keys in his ears during an emergency. When it's bad, it's really bad and there's a definite chance that you'll stoop pretty low for relief. I only tell you this to stress the importance of having the proper tools handy. I'm fairly certain that CB is also suffering from this illness and I'm just positive she'd agree that Johnson's has done only a mediocre job placing a useful product on the shelves for the consumer.

I say all this because Dirty Larry, who is very shiny and surely didn't know any better, brought home Johnson's cotton swabs the other night. When I saw them, instead of saying thank you for running that errand, I freaked out on him. I explained that they were not REALLY Q-tips unless the box said Q-tips. I showed him how they bent with pressure and how they were NO GOOD. Needless to say, I have the real McCoy on hand now that I've explained the situation properly. Maybe I could sell that other box on eBay. I did open it to demonstrate how lousy they were to Dirty Larry, but I'd bet my Q-tips that some crazy someone would buy them anyway.

Beej

Kathie Lee Gifford just made me cry.  That's ALLZIMSAYIN.

Beej

As you probably know, Dirty Larry is the operations manager for a large department store in our area. This morning, he left the house a little earlier than normal because he had to conduct a safety meeting with approximately 60 of the 200 employees that fall under his tutelage. Today they were learning about evacuating the building in case of an emergency. He placed 13 balloons in plain sight all over the 260,000 square foot store. He then told the associates to go to their designated areas, find the balloons and escort them out of the building to safety. I'm sorry to report that 3 balloon people were left behind and perished in the disaster. The whole store is really down now.  I suppose he'll have use his job skills to try to increase morale and cheer everybody up.  Cheese and cracker trays in the break room? Donuts maybe?

Beej

I stole this meme from Herb and Abby. Well, I didn't really steal it. They were giving it away for free so I took it. I tag Junebug because she is in a serious slump for blog material and Utegirl because she seems to like these things.

...not that I'd ever do that.

I know what blueberry bushes are SUPPOSED to look like. My grandmother had several in her yard and they were huge. If you stood arm to outstretched arm around one of them, I figure you could get 6 or 7 people around one of them. When you said you wanted to come pick blueberries it was no small task and she didn't want you to fill your basket and be done. She meant for you to pick every bush clean. It could take the best part of an extremely hot afternoon. You had to really want some blueberries to make the mistake of asking to pick some of hers. My blueberry bushes aren't even comparable. They reside under trees where they can't get enough sun and they're just kind of puny. My Daddy used to make fun of them and it would make me so mad.  Now I'd give most anything for him to walk in the yard and make fun of my green thumb.  My bushes amount to several canes sticking out of the ground and hardly any of them reach higher than my head.  I get just about enough blueberries every summer to make the obligatory blueberry cobbler. I made this year's cobbler tonight. It was a little dry. But in my defense...I only get to do it once a year. Happily, there's a real possibility that TWO cobblers could be had this year. Or at least there will another crop the kids can snack on as they walk through the yard. Oh man, my grandmother would have never stood for that.

Beej

...I doubt no more. I'm definitely living in Alabama.

Here's the vehicle I parked beside at church this morning.

Beej

Oh, water lily and sugar cane scented Tone Exotic Fusions body wash with 7 moisturizing botanicals, where have you been all my life?

Beej

Do you or do you not remember Mercurochrome and Methiolate?

When you had a bike wreck, scraped your knee and then showed your mama the damage, did you or did you not freak out when you saw her coming at you holding that bottle from the medicine cabinet with the red-stained label?

Also, while I'm thinking about it, did your bike have a banana seat and a sissy bar?

If you have no clue what I'm talking about, I assume you aren't as old as I am. I wonder how young you can be and still know about these things. You can't buy Merthiolate anymore, I think. It's been banned or something as being a hazard to your health. Hey! I got that stuff smeared on me all the time and I'm still PERFECTLY NORMAL (shut up).

I want to rub some of that stuff on my kids and watch them squirm. I want to give them the joy of walking around stained red-orange for weeks on end. My mama always said, "one day you'll be the mama and you can do (insert motherly activity)". But see....I can't. I AM the mama now, but I can't pass along the sting because I can't buy the stuff. No worries. I still have Dr. Tichenor's! My Daddy believed in that stuff and boy howdy, it made Merthiolate feel like a danged walk in the park.

I have a friend who has told her children NOT to show their grandmother any cuts, scrapes, bruises or interesting skin lesions because she doesn't want her mother putting BLEACH on them. Apparently, she believes it to be the cure all, above all. And then of course there's the father from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" who squirted Windex on anything and everything. I haven't tried either of those things (yet).

I just think it's my turn and now all I need to do is pick my poison.

Beej

I know it's going to be difficult for all of you to swallow this, but there's something I'm not very good at (besides the false eyelash thing). You know those little thermometer tip covers that are used with digital thermometers? I can't figure them out.  The instructions are printed right on the little suckers and I can absolutely read them, but inevitably, something goes wrong. There has to be a trick to it.

Now ask me why I need to hone this skill. What is that? You want to know why I need to hone this skill?  Litkia is running a fever.  A very high fever in fact.  Therefore, as a good mother (and we all know i am), I need to stick that thermometer in her mouth ad nauseum. Oh but wait, nausea isn't one of her symptoms and I'd rather not open that can of worms, so let's just rephrase and say I need to stick that thermometer in her mouth a freakin' lot of times.  She seems fine other than the fever. She doesn't LOOK sick.  She doesn't ACT sick. She's still smiling. I don't have a fever. Why is it that I seem to be the one feeling ill?

Beej