I'm pretty sure that the meaner you are, the longer you will live.

I took my Mom to the doctor this morning.  While I was sitting, waiting for her to come out of his office miraculously healed of her pain, I saw a spry old woman walk across the room and take a seat.  I kept looking at her because she looked so familiar to me. I also got this nagging feeling that when I figured out where I knew her from I was going to remember that I didn't like her much.  But alas, I just couldn't remember. As fate would have it, Mom and I came across her path on our way out the door.  I couldn't help myself and tapped her on her arm and told her that I thought she was very familiar but I couldn't place how I knew her.  She told me her name and then it hit me.  She was the front office clerk at the school I taught at my first few years as a teacher.  Two minutes into the conversation I realized why I was having that ominous feeling that she wasn't pleasant. The reason was because...she wasn't pleasant.  It all came flooding back to me by the fourth minute when she had already talked a blue streak about the #@^& principal that was there back in 1989 and how even the teachers called him a #@^& behind his back. All these things were said directly in the presence of the ears of my mother who is, I believe, allergic to foul language. I walked faster hoping that I could get away at a pace she couldn't keep up with, but then I remembered the reason we were at the orthopedist's office and that mama couldn't keep up either. Needless to say it was a long, long walk to the car. When we finally find ourselves in relative safety behind the doors of the jeep, I asked mama to stop me the next time I thought I wanted to open such a can of worms again.

But back to my original sentence.  This woman was as old as dirt in 1989.  I mean seriously old. According to my math, which may or may not be faulty, she must be 120 by now...and is obviously still just as mean as a snake.  I think I need to rethink this life of kindness and goodness and love (shut up) so I too may live to be 120.

Beej

What in the world happened to Bryan Adams? I saw him on American Idol last night and all I could think about was how old he looked.  He's only 48! He has no business looking that old!  All the members of ZZ Top on the other hand, haven't aged a bit since I saw them last. The three members of that group are 58, 59 and 60, and I reckon they've always looked 80, just as they do now.

Beej

So I spent half a week in the state of Tennessee and I need to say that it is beautiful there. We hiked up mountains and played in waterfalls. We learned how to make whiskey and we saw breathtaking scenery.  Pateriko's general reaction was..."Hey mama, Alabama is ugly".  We've all decided to move ASAP. Here are a few highlights from the trip.

Fiery Gizzard Hiking Trail (details HERE - more pics HERE)

Played some cards (Hand and Foot...like Canasta..I came in second to Dirty Larry)

Jack Daniels Distillery (details HERE)

Visited historic Lynchburg Square.

Ate catfish.

Got the niece all gradumicated from high school.

George Dickel Distillery (details HERE)

Pretty countryside (more pics HERE)

Eating coconut cake (niece, sister and sister's maw-in-law)

Beej

Ten things/people I am thankful for…

1.                  Public restrooms.

2.                  Luzianne tea bags.

3.                  Old friends who buy me lunch.

4.                  New friends who make me smile.

5.                  Al Gore (for inventing the internet).

6.                  My really big, ugly running shoes that I mostly walk in.

7.                  My mama's Danskin socks that I stole from her.

8.                  Ponytail holders that don't pull your hair out.

9.                  That lady at the nail salon who painted my toes.

10.              My new iPod that helps my legs move.

And you are thankful for….?

Beej

Today we packed up some stuff and drove 10 minutes down the road to the home of my mother.  She has a pool...AND...she won't be home for a month.  I set up my office on a card table I found in the garage and got comfy. 

Tonight I walked/ran for 35 minutes down unfamiliar roads, down to the extremely crowded boat dock where I promptly turned around before anybody saw me and where I encountered two extremely large flying insects that were trying beyond hope to eat me. They got death in the form of a hat swat and a shoe squish for their trouble. I was shocked at their determination. Most things in Alabama aren't so persistent. Probably too tired from the heat.

When I got back I took off my shoes and socks and my Life Is Good hat that Two Dogs gave me and fell into the pool. The water was kinda lukewarm; the same temperature of the people God spews out of His mouth.  If you didn't get that last sentence you should go to church more.  Anyway, it was lukewarm and just right.  Really nice.  Then, when it was a little too late, I discovered that even though I put "underwear, t-shirt and shorts to sleep in" on my list of things for Dirty Larry to pick up from the house, those items were not in the bag.  Needless to say I was unhappy and wet for a little while.

We're spending the night. In fact, I'm considering just living here. It's like a hotel but with more room. We have a pool, cable TV and a mini-bar where you don't have to pay for the snacks you snatch. She's not coming back for a month and somebody needs to water her tomatoes while she's gone anyway. Somebody will probably need to eat them too. Somebody should be here to see the daylillies when they bloom and pick the ripe blackberries before the birds get them. I could be that somebody.

Beej

About halfway into this little pool party I remembered that I don't even like kids. Sadly for me it was too late as they were already eating my food, being extremely loud, fighting over pool stuff and putting their wet behinds on my mama's cloth covered chairs.  HMMPPH!

Beej

I was once asked what I would choose to take with me to a deserted island if I could only bring along one item.  My choice? A box of Q-tips.

I come here today to tell you that Johnson's makes an inferior cotton swab. Why would you buy those bendy plastic things when you could have a REAL Q-tip brand cotton swab? Seriously. The Johnson's product is flat out flimsy.  We all know by now that Beej has a serious itchy ear disease. She has to have something to stick in her ear that she can depend on and put some muscle behind. Q-tip is my brand. I'm pretty sure my Daddy had this ear disease and I can remember seeing him stick his keys in his ears during an emergency. When it's bad, it's really bad and there's a definite chance that you'll stoop pretty low for relief. I only tell you this to stress the importance of having the proper tools handy. I'm fairly certain that CB is also suffering from this illness and I'm just positive she'd agree that Johnson's has done only a mediocre job placing a useful product on the shelves for the consumer.

I say all this because Dirty Larry, who is very shiny and surely didn't know any better, brought home Johnson's cotton swabs the other night. When I saw them, instead of saying thank you for running that errand, I freaked out on him. I explained that they were not REALLY Q-tips unless the box said Q-tips. I showed him how they bent with pressure and how they were NO GOOD. Needless to say, I have the real McCoy on hand now that I've explained the situation properly. Maybe I could sell that other box on eBay. I did open it to demonstrate how lousy they were to Dirty Larry, but I'd bet my Q-tips that some crazy someone would buy them anyway.

Beej

Kathie Lee Gifford just made me cry.  That's ALLZIMSAYIN.

Beej

As you probably know, Dirty Larry is the operations manager for a large department store in our area. This morning, he left the house a little earlier than normal because he had to conduct a safety meeting with approximately 60 of the 200 employees that fall under his tutelage. Today they were learning about evacuating the building in case of an emergency. He placed 13 balloons in plain sight all over the 260,000 square foot store. He then told the associates to go to their designated areas, find the balloons and escort them out of the building to safety. I'm sorry to report that 3 balloon people were left behind and perished in the disaster. The whole store is really down now.  I suppose he'll have use his job skills to try to increase morale and cheer everybody up.  Cheese and cracker trays in the break room? Donuts maybe?

Beej

I stole this meme from Herb and Abby. Well, I didn't really steal it. They were giving it away for free so I took it. I tag Junebug because she is in a serious slump for blog material and Utegirl because she seems to like these things.